My beautiful wife and I are both loyal Benedictine College Ravens. She’s completing her final semester of Civil Engineering, I am graduated and work as the college’s Social Media Specialist. We met at Benedictine in November 2016 and were dating a few months later. In December of 2018 I proposed, and in August of 2019, we married. It’s been a beautiful journey. But not without its bumps.
(PSA: follow nickmartinmke on Instagram to see the day-to-day adventures of Jules and I!) Juliana and I were apart from each other for a considerable amount of the time we dated. A while back, I wrote about our experience on long-distance relationships. Now that we’re married, it’s interesting to look back at all the work it took to make it here. We’ve both learned a lot along the way. Jules and I thought we'd share some of the things we've learned. Today, it's my turn. 1. Mindedness. G.K. Chesterton once said, “don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.” Being okay with anything, taking everything as it comes and going with the flow is a dangerous approach in life. Applied to relationships, it leads to making decisions based on feeling rather than a combination of consideration, discipline and emotion (emotion is an important component, but it cannot guide the way without consideration and discipline). At the same time, don’t be so closed-minded you make it impossible for God to act in your life. Provided you’re living morally and virtuously, adding any more hard limiters to dating should be done with prayer and consideration. A dating fast, for instance, can be a valuable tool for healing from past wounds or growing in virtue. It can also be used as an excuse not to pursue the vocation God is calling you to. Be careful not to limit the Holy Spirit with the guidelines you set for yourself. Thought one is Mindedness: use your faculties to stay on the right path, but at the same time have the courage to go at God’s pace. 2. Communication. Everyone says that in a relationship, communication is key. Well, it’s important before dating, too. If a guy has a good relationship with a girl and would like to date her, he should tell her so. The reason why, as men, we often don’t is because we’re afraid of rejection. (And by the way, no decision should never be made out of fear - except maybe running from a wild animal). So instead we flirt and hint and look for signs, the result of which is the we put the burden of risk on the lady, who then has to hit her man with a baseball bat to get a message through. Guys, just be direct. rejection will not hurt as much or for as long, and success will feel even better. If a girl likes a guy, she needs to stand by the punch bowl. Ladies, don’t ask men out, you probably don’t want a guy who isn’t courageous enough to ask you first anyways. But also, don’t think waiting on him means making it difficult as difficult as you can. Give him opportunities to reach out to you. When you’re at the dance, stand by the punch bowl so he can offer you a drink and ask for a dance. Ladies, if you don’t like a guy who asks you out, be direct. He had the courage and respect to ask you out, have the courage and respect to tell him the facts. There’s nothing worse than when “maybe some other time” really means “absolutely not.” Thought two is Communication: pursue clarity and practice directness. 3. Understand Obstacles and Barriers. Learn the difference between obstacles and barriers. This is a critical distinction that most of us fail to make all the time. Obstacles can be overcome, barriers cannot. Obstacles are healthy junctures couples reach that help a relationship grow or help them to see their weaknesses. Barriers problems so significant as to make a healthy, happy relationship impossible. There are two common ways that we fail to understand the difference between obstacles and barriers.
Hope that's helpful! Next time we'll have "Some Thoughts On Dating, Part: Jules."
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Recently I became engaged to the most fantastic woman I have ever known. We met two and a half years ago in College. She and I began dating in April. 2017. I graduated only a month later.
Ever since, we’ve been doing “the long distance thing.” We text throughout the day, talk on the phone at night, and try to see each other at least a few days a month. Right now, it’s been 34 days since the last time we were together. Long distance really stinks. We both have busy, often conflicting schedules and talking doesn’t work out as often as we would like. It’s difficult to be open and vulnerable with a cell phone. Often times, my fiancé and I find ourselves getting worked up over nothing; little things that we know don’t affect us when we’re together. Being far apart adds a lot of stress to our lives. But here’s the thing. Long distance has made our relationship so much better. As I mentioned, spending roughly 18 of our 22 months as a couple in different states hasn’t been easy. It’s emotionally draining, totally unrewarding, and comes with none of the perks of an ordinary relationship. But that’s exactly why it’s had such a positive impact. There are no goggles. My fiancé and I have had to work, almost from day one, to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. We never had the luxury of hiding behind the perks of dating. Where ordinary couples got to hold hands, go on long walks and make googly eyes at each other, we have to talk. In a strange way, being apart has forced us to get to know each other better, because there is nothing else we can do. Difficulty level: legendary. Generally, video games have multiple difficulties, and it makes sense to start at the easier ones and work up. Well, long distance relationships are a video game that has no easy game. It’s difficult. All the time. The only way the relationship survives is if both people are really committed, have the right chemistry, and the patience to see it through. There are no bad long distance relationships (or very few), because they quickly collapse from the pressure. If a long distance relationship lasts, it’s because it’s a good relationship. One of the hardest things about all relationships is that they have to be other centered. To put it a different way: relationships require individuals to place more importance on their partner than on themselves. Naturally, the reason we enter a relationship is for love and support. But we only get that through providing those same things to our partners. The more selfish an individual is in a relationship, the more it will suffer. In long distance relationships, there’s even less room for selfishness. Any act requires selflessness; any act requires both people to be other centered. If I’ve explained myself well, long distance relationships should sound like a pain in the rear. Still, they’re awesome. Nothing has helped me see our relationship more clearly than viewing it at a distance. Nothing has made me feel more close to my fiancé than having to be apart. Nothing has prepared me more for marriage than the daily grind of selfless love required in our long distance relationship. Is long distance fun? No way. Is it worth it? More than I can say. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
August 2020
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