As of today, Juliana and I have been married for one year. I’m so blessed to have such a beautiful, kind and committed woman in my life.
While I think that I was relatively well-prepared for marriage, I also believe that it’s one of those things that no one is really ready for until they’re actually faced with it; you have to rise to the occasion. I believe that marriage, children and many are things besides… if you wait until you’re prepared, you’ll spend your whole life waiting. Only beginning the journey can equip you with the tools you need to actually succeed. So, with that in mind, here are some of the the tools I’ve gained, some of the lessons I’ve learned, precisely one year into the journey. (Also, make sure you check out what my wife wrote) 1. Don’t allow your spouse to annoy you. Inevitably, once you’ve been living in close quarters with someone for long enough, you not only learn their idiosyncrasies, but they begin to feel like nails on a chalk board. Shuffling feet, constantly singing only 2 seconds of dozens of songs, leaving dirty dishes on the counter (one of those is mine, one is hers, one is fake. Guess!). My default whenever I see something I don’t like is to point it out immediately in an effort to solve it. But 99% of the time, that thing I don’t like is not only harmless, but very difficult for the other person to avoid. And a lot of the time, we both stand more to gain from me learning patience, than my spouse trying to change a minor idiosyncrasy. 2. Self-love is self-destructive. Taking care of yourself is essential. And if you aren’t taking care of yourself, then you can’t properly care for others. But there’s a myth that, unless we place prioritize our own needs, that we’ll end of disappointed and unhappy. But the emptiness in our lives can’t be filled from within; it can't be filled with self-centered selfishness. The only way to find contentment and happiness is to find meaning outside of yourself. And marriage is a life-long opportunity to do exactly that. Marriage is an agreement and a commitment to pour your energy into the well-being of not only your spouse, but into all your children as well. 3. Give yourself time (and food) to calm down. I’m sort of stealing this one from Juliana. But hey, we’re married so what’s mine is hers and vise versa. When I get into a disagreement, my instinct is to carry out the debate until there’s a resolution. But more often than not, I get more worked up, Juliana get more stubborn, and neither of us is very happy. What I’ve found can make a world of difference is just taking a few minutes to cool down. Go for a walk, do the dishes… after a few minutes, I start to calm down and I start thinking clearly again. As a bonus, another thing that helps is eating. We’ve all heard of being “hangry” (angry because you’re hungry). If you’re angry, try eating a little snack. I’m not kidding. No one’s happy on an empty stomach. Juliana really is the best. We went into marriage knowing that it was going to be a challenge, knowing that there would be times when we drive each other crazy. But I knew there was no one I’d rather go through life with than her, and she seemed to feel the same about me. The frustration and the struggles pale in comparison to the joy Juliana has brought into my life. I’m so grateful for her. Happy anniversary, Juliana!
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Nicholas and I have been married for about six months. While the adjustment has been crazy, it’s been absolutely wonderful! If you know Nicholas, you know that he drives me insane…but he also brings me so much joy. He’s an excellent spouse and was an excellent boyfriend. Our adjustment period has reinforced that in my mind. We literally went straight from seeing each other once a month to seeing each other every day. It’s been wild. Marriage is truly such a beautiful adventure, and the Lord has provided more than sufficient grace for our journey.
Before our wedding, Nicholas and I were engaged for eight months, plus twenty months of dating before that, plus six months as friends before that. For about two years, we were long-distance. Through it all, The Lord led us. But it was tough! And we’ve both learned a lot. Last time, Nicholas wrote about some of the pieces of advice he’s gathered about dating over the years. Today, I’d like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned! (PSA: follow nickmartinmke, & jules_martin19 on Instagram to see the day-to-day adventures of Nicholas and I!) Now, just keep in mind, I’m a work in progress; I don't feel totally qualified to give people advice in all of these areas that I see myself failing in every single day. There are a lot of these that I don’t feel like I’m good at yet. But just being aware of them has helped me to work on them. So I hope sharing them with you now can be helpful. Enjoy! 1. Healthy Boundaries / Mutual Respect. First off, it’s important to recognize that beauty and sexuality are awesome gifts from the Lord, that are meant to help us discover Him through our spouse. However they have to be kept in their proper place. To love someone is to will their good above your own, especially over your own personal desires. If you can’t respect someone while you’re dating, how can you expect to respect them when they become your spouse? The challenges of a relationship only deepen once you’re married, and usually even more so once kids join the picture. By joyfully living out a chaste relationship, and creating boundaries (that align with God’s will) for yourselves as a couple, you choose the good of the other, God’s will, and the good of the relationship over your own desires. It also reflects a deep respect for the beloved (especially for women) when they feel that their sexuality is being protected, not exploited. 2. Letting go of the past and looking forward to a brighter future. Regret isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a sign that what we did in the past had adverse effects, and that we should want to avoid it in the future. So don’t be afraid of regret. At the same time, allow yourself to have a fresh start. Your past mistakes, or any negative experiences that might have happened to you, do not define you. You are SO MUCH MORE than the sum of your wounds and weaknesses. The forgiveness you receive in confession, the grace God gives you through prayer, and the Holy Eucharist are all ways that God intimately desires your well-being, and welcomes you back home to Him. It’s okay to move on from the past. Carrying it all into a new relationship creates walls and negative expectations that are impossible to overcome. Pray for healing, pray for forgiveness, pray for peace of mind, and then be courageous! Be aware of your past, and learn from it, but seek to rise above and beyond. 3. Share burdens and insecurities. This one builds off the last one. Rise above and beyond your past, and allow your boyfriend or girlfriend to help you. For a lot of us, this is the hardest piece of advice. It requires trust and vulnerability. But that also means it could be one of the most important. To a degree that’s appropriate (it will vary depending on where the relationship is at), share your burdens with your partner. Now, don’t just dump everything on them; don’t make your boyfriend/girlfriend an emotional crutch. This has been a crucial piece of advice for Nicholas and me; I spent high school and even some of college carrying around my own baggage and keeping things bottled up. The day I let Nicholas in was the day our relationship changed forever, and for the best. I’ve always liked to call Nicholas my Simon of Cyrene, because he helps me to carry my cross. It isn’t his job to carry it for me, or to constantly reassure me about little insecurities, but it is his job to support me through the sacrifices and burdens I’ll be gifted with in life. I need that support, and am so grateful to have someone who can shoulder my burdens with a big smile on his face. 4. Praying together: develop a mutual as well as a personal faith life. Faith is not one size fits all. Yes, we believe in the truth of our faith, but there are so many ways of living it out. If you don’t understand what I mean, here’s a brief list of different spiritualities and devotions found in the treasury of the Church: Rosaries, Consecration days, Novenas, Scapulars, the CCC, the Bible, Divine Mercy, Lives of the Saints, Miraculous medal, Liturgy of the Hours, Adoration, Theology of the Body,. Etc. The list could probably go on for pages. If you’re someone who loves all of these things, AWESOME! So do I, actually. However I have yet to meet a couple who can pray all of the Liturgy of the Hours, a Rosary, a Novena, a Divine Mercy Chaplet, and go to adoration all in one day. It’s just kind of impossible. So pick a few things that are important to YOUR relationship, and stick with them. Make developing a personal faith a priority, but if something isn’t working, change it. Don’t continue to force a spirituality that isn’t working. Find something different. The Lord created us all to be different, so you and your S/O aren’t always going to be able to worship and adore him in the same way. This is especially important in long-distance relationship, where developing an emotionally vulnerable and intimate relationship is so difficult. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you’re dating long-distance, you miss out on the intimacy-building closeness of a relationship. For me, it was difficult not being able to simply watch a movie and hold hands. Praying together over the phone, is an awesome substitute, and it will help make you more grateful for where God has put you both. 5. Ask for forgiveness. Have the humility to admit that you’re sorry. Have you ever heard the expression, to win the battle but lose the war? Don’t fight so hard to win an argument, that you alienate your partner. It is way more detrimental to your relationship to be the person who always has to be right, than to be the one who can die to themselves and admit defeat. More often than not, both people are wrong about certain aspects of their argument, and have something to apologize for. Do it humbly, honestly, and as quickly as you can. (This is sadly, the advice that I’m worst at, please pray for me!) 6. Practicing little sacrifices, seen and unseen. Do small acts with great love. Often times, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend won’t see what you’re doing for them, doing it purifies your heart and teaches you to love them more selflessly. It also is a fantastic way to prepare for the lifetime of sacrifices associated with marriage and raising a family. A huge motivator for me has always been that I deeply desire to be an excellent wife and mother; if small sacrifices here and there can help me to do that, I’m all over it. This is especially good advice for men. Men love making big sacrifices. A man once told his priest, “I would die for my wife.” The priest responded, “maybe. But would you do the dishes for her?” No relationship lasts without big sacrifices. No relationship grows without little sacrifices. Do small acts out of great love! 7. Difference between childishness and childlikeness. “Drink because you’re happy, but never because you’re sad” (G.K. Chesterton). “Carpe diem.” (Horace). “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 9:14). Don’t think that a relationship demands seriousness all the time. You have to be serious sometimes, obviously. But make sure you allow the joy in your heart to manifest itself naturally. Childishness means pouting, getting into petty arguments, and generally approaching life immaturely. Childlikeness is completely different. Have you ever seen a toddler turn a cardboard box into the most enjoyable toy the world’s ever seen? Have you ever seen grade school kids play tag or hide-and-go-seek for hours on end? It’s so beautiful to see the pure bliss with which children can go through life. They don’t worry about their appearance; they don’t second-guess every word they say. They simply live in the moment, treating every little thing like a treat God made specially just for them. Live like that. Date like that. “It is not good for man to be alone.” The purpose of dating is to find that helpmate, to find that person that you can go through life with and see that the Lord made it all special and wonderful, just for you. Entrust your relationship to the Blessed Virgin Mary and Christ Jesus, and an abundance of fruit will abound. God has great things in store for you, regardless of what your love life looks like. Trust. I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s anything else you’d like Nicholas and me to write about! More importantly keep us in your prayers. God bless! My beautiful wife and I are both loyal Benedictine College Ravens. She’s completing her final semester of Civil Engineering, I am graduated and work as the college’s Social Media Specialist. We met at Benedictine in November 2016 and were dating a few months later. In December of 2018 I proposed, and in August of 2019, we married. It’s been a beautiful journey. But not without its bumps.
(PSA: follow nickmartinmke on Instagram to see the day-to-day adventures of Jules and I!) Juliana and I were apart from each other for a considerable amount of the time we dated. A while back, I wrote about our experience on long-distance relationships. Now that we’re married, it’s interesting to look back at all the work it took to make it here. We’ve both learned a lot along the way. Jules and I thought we'd share some of the things we've learned. Today, it's my turn. 1. Mindedness. G.K. Chesterton once said, “don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.” Being okay with anything, taking everything as it comes and going with the flow is a dangerous approach in life. Applied to relationships, it leads to making decisions based on feeling rather than a combination of consideration, discipline and emotion (emotion is an important component, but it cannot guide the way without consideration and discipline). At the same time, don’t be so closed-minded you make it impossible for God to act in your life. Provided you’re living morally and virtuously, adding any more hard limiters to dating should be done with prayer and consideration. A dating fast, for instance, can be a valuable tool for healing from past wounds or growing in virtue. It can also be used as an excuse not to pursue the vocation God is calling you to. Be careful not to limit the Holy Spirit with the guidelines you set for yourself. Thought one is Mindedness: use your faculties to stay on the right path, but at the same time have the courage to go at God’s pace. 2. Communication. Everyone says that in a relationship, communication is key. Well, it’s important before dating, too. If a guy has a good relationship with a girl and would like to date her, he should tell her so. The reason why, as men, we often don’t is because we’re afraid of rejection. (And by the way, no decision should never be made out of fear - except maybe running from a wild animal). So instead we flirt and hint and look for signs, the result of which is the we put the burden of risk on the lady, who then has to hit her man with a baseball bat to get a message through. Guys, just be direct. rejection will not hurt as much or for as long, and success will feel even better. If a girl likes a guy, she needs to stand by the punch bowl. Ladies, don’t ask men out, you probably don’t want a guy who isn’t courageous enough to ask you first anyways. But also, don’t think waiting on him means making it difficult as difficult as you can. Give him opportunities to reach out to you. When you’re at the dance, stand by the punch bowl so he can offer you a drink and ask for a dance. Ladies, if you don’t like a guy who asks you out, be direct. He had the courage and respect to ask you out, have the courage and respect to tell him the facts. There’s nothing worse than when “maybe some other time” really means “absolutely not.” Thought two is Communication: pursue clarity and practice directness. 3. Understand Obstacles and Barriers. Learn the difference between obstacles and barriers. This is a critical distinction that most of us fail to make all the time. Obstacles can be overcome, barriers cannot. Obstacles are healthy junctures couples reach that help a relationship grow or help them to see their weaknesses. Barriers problems so significant as to make a healthy, happy relationship impossible. There are two common ways that we fail to understand the difference between obstacles and barriers.
Hope that's helpful! Next time we'll have "Some Thoughts On Dating, Part: Jules." Recently I became engaged to the most fantastic woman I have ever known. We met two and a half years ago in College. She and I began dating in April. 2017. I graduated only a month later.
Ever since, we’ve been doing “the long distance thing.” We text throughout the day, talk on the phone at night, and try to see each other at least a few days a month. Right now, it’s been 34 days since the last time we were together. Long distance really stinks. We both have busy, often conflicting schedules and talking doesn’t work out as often as we would like. It’s difficult to be open and vulnerable with a cell phone. Often times, my fiancé and I find ourselves getting worked up over nothing; little things that we know don’t affect us when we’re together. Being far apart adds a lot of stress to our lives. But here’s the thing. Long distance has made our relationship so much better. As I mentioned, spending roughly 18 of our 22 months as a couple in different states hasn’t been easy. It’s emotionally draining, totally unrewarding, and comes with none of the perks of an ordinary relationship. But that’s exactly why it’s had such a positive impact. There are no goggles. My fiancé and I have had to work, almost from day one, to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. We never had the luxury of hiding behind the perks of dating. Where ordinary couples got to hold hands, go on long walks and make googly eyes at each other, we have to talk. In a strange way, being apart has forced us to get to know each other better, because there is nothing else we can do. Difficulty level: legendary. Generally, video games have multiple difficulties, and it makes sense to start at the easier ones and work up. Well, long distance relationships are a video game that has no easy game. It’s difficult. All the time. The only way the relationship survives is if both people are really committed, have the right chemistry, and the patience to see it through. There are no bad long distance relationships (or very few), because they quickly collapse from the pressure. If a long distance relationship lasts, it’s because it’s a good relationship. One of the hardest things about all relationships is that they have to be other centered. To put it a different way: relationships require individuals to place more importance on their partner than on themselves. Naturally, the reason we enter a relationship is for love and support. But we only get that through providing those same things to our partners. The more selfish an individual is in a relationship, the more it will suffer. In long distance relationships, there’s even less room for selfishness. Any act requires selflessness; any act requires both people to be other centered. If I’ve explained myself well, long distance relationships should sound like a pain in the rear. Still, they’re awesome. Nothing has helped me see our relationship more clearly than viewing it at a distance. Nothing has made me feel more close to my fiancé than having to be apart. Nothing has prepared me more for marriage than the daily grind of selfless love required in our long distance relationship. Is long distance fun? No way. Is it worth it? More than I can say. |
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August 2020
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