Nicholas and I have been married for about six months. While the adjustment has been crazy, it’s been absolutely wonderful! If you know Nicholas, you know that he drives me insane…but he also brings me so much joy. He’s an excellent spouse and was an excellent boyfriend. Our adjustment period has reinforced that in my mind. We literally went straight from seeing each other once a month to seeing each other every day. It’s been wild. Marriage is truly such a beautiful adventure, and the Lord has provided more than sufficient grace for our journey.
Before our wedding, Nicholas and I were engaged for eight months, plus twenty months of dating before that, plus six months as friends before that. For about two years, we were long-distance. Through it all, The Lord led us. But it was tough! And we’ve both learned a lot. Last time, Nicholas wrote about some of the pieces of advice he’s gathered about dating over the years. Today, I’d like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned! (PSA: follow nickmartinmke, & jules_martin19 on Instagram to see the day-to-day adventures of Nicholas and I!) Now, just keep in mind, I’m a work in progress; I don't feel totally qualified to give people advice in all of these areas that I see myself failing in every single day. There are a lot of these that I don’t feel like I’m good at yet. But just being aware of them has helped me to work on them. So I hope sharing them with you now can be helpful. Enjoy! 1. Healthy Boundaries / Mutual Respect. First off, it’s important to recognize that beauty and sexuality are awesome gifts from the Lord, that are meant to help us discover Him through our spouse. However they have to be kept in their proper place. To love someone is to will their good above your own, especially over your own personal desires. If you can’t respect someone while you’re dating, how can you expect to respect them when they become your spouse? The challenges of a relationship only deepen once you’re married, and usually even more so once kids join the picture. By joyfully living out a chaste relationship, and creating boundaries (that align with God’s will) for yourselves as a couple, you choose the good of the other, God’s will, and the good of the relationship over your own desires. It also reflects a deep respect for the beloved (especially for women) when they feel that their sexuality is being protected, not exploited. 2. Letting go of the past and looking forward to a brighter future. Regret isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a sign that what we did in the past had adverse effects, and that we should want to avoid it in the future. So don’t be afraid of regret. At the same time, allow yourself to have a fresh start. Your past mistakes, or any negative experiences that might have happened to you, do not define you. You are SO MUCH MORE than the sum of your wounds and weaknesses. The forgiveness you receive in confession, the grace God gives you through prayer, and the Holy Eucharist are all ways that God intimately desires your well-being, and welcomes you back home to Him. It’s okay to move on from the past. Carrying it all into a new relationship creates walls and negative expectations that are impossible to overcome. Pray for healing, pray for forgiveness, pray for peace of mind, and then be courageous! Be aware of your past, and learn from it, but seek to rise above and beyond. 3. Share burdens and insecurities. This one builds off the last one. Rise above and beyond your past, and allow your boyfriend or girlfriend to help you. For a lot of us, this is the hardest piece of advice. It requires trust and vulnerability. But that also means it could be one of the most important. To a degree that’s appropriate (it will vary depending on where the relationship is at), share your burdens with your partner. Now, don’t just dump everything on them; don’t make your boyfriend/girlfriend an emotional crutch. This has been a crucial piece of advice for Nicholas and me; I spent high school and even some of college carrying around my own baggage and keeping things bottled up. The day I let Nicholas in was the day our relationship changed forever, and for the best. I’ve always liked to call Nicholas my Simon of Cyrene, because he helps me to carry my cross. It isn’t his job to carry it for me, or to constantly reassure me about little insecurities, but it is his job to support me through the sacrifices and burdens I’ll be gifted with in life. I need that support, and am so grateful to have someone who can shoulder my burdens with a big smile on his face. 4. Praying together: develop a mutual as well as a personal faith life. Faith is not one size fits all. Yes, we believe in the truth of our faith, but there are so many ways of living it out. If you don’t understand what I mean, here’s a brief list of different spiritualities and devotions found in the treasury of the Church: Rosaries, Consecration days, Novenas, Scapulars, the CCC, the Bible, Divine Mercy, Lives of the Saints, Miraculous medal, Liturgy of the Hours, Adoration, Theology of the Body,. Etc. The list could probably go on for pages. If you’re someone who loves all of these things, AWESOME! So do I, actually. However I have yet to meet a couple who can pray all of the Liturgy of the Hours, a Rosary, a Novena, a Divine Mercy Chaplet, and go to adoration all in one day. It’s just kind of impossible. So pick a few things that are important to YOUR relationship, and stick with them. Make developing a personal faith a priority, but if something isn’t working, change it. Don’t continue to force a spirituality that isn’t working. Find something different. The Lord created us all to be different, so you and your S/O aren’t always going to be able to worship and adore him in the same way. This is especially important in long-distance relationship, where developing an emotionally vulnerable and intimate relationship is so difficult. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you’re dating long-distance, you miss out on the intimacy-building closeness of a relationship. For me, it was difficult not being able to simply watch a movie and hold hands. Praying together over the phone, is an awesome substitute, and it will help make you more grateful for where God has put you both. 5. Ask for forgiveness. Have the humility to admit that you’re sorry. Have you ever heard the expression, to win the battle but lose the war? Don’t fight so hard to win an argument, that you alienate your partner. It is way more detrimental to your relationship to be the person who always has to be right, than to be the one who can die to themselves and admit defeat. More often than not, both people are wrong about certain aspects of their argument, and have something to apologize for. Do it humbly, honestly, and as quickly as you can. (This is sadly, the advice that I’m worst at, please pray for me!) 6. Practicing little sacrifices, seen and unseen. Do small acts with great love. Often times, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend won’t see what you’re doing for them, doing it purifies your heart and teaches you to love them more selflessly. It also is a fantastic way to prepare for the lifetime of sacrifices associated with marriage and raising a family. A huge motivator for me has always been that I deeply desire to be an excellent wife and mother; if small sacrifices here and there can help me to do that, I’m all over it. This is especially good advice for men. Men love making big sacrifices. A man once told his priest, “I would die for my wife.” The priest responded, “maybe. But would you do the dishes for her?” No relationship lasts without big sacrifices. No relationship grows without little sacrifices. Do small acts out of great love! 7. Difference between childishness and childlikeness. “Drink because you’re happy, but never because you’re sad” (G.K. Chesterton). “Carpe diem.” (Horace). “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 9:14). Don’t think that a relationship demands seriousness all the time. You have to be serious sometimes, obviously. But make sure you allow the joy in your heart to manifest itself naturally. Childishness means pouting, getting into petty arguments, and generally approaching life immaturely. Childlikeness is completely different. Have you ever seen a toddler turn a cardboard box into the most enjoyable toy the world’s ever seen? Have you ever seen grade school kids play tag or hide-and-go-seek for hours on end? It’s so beautiful to see the pure bliss with which children can go through life. They don’t worry about their appearance; they don’t second-guess every word they say. They simply live in the moment, treating every little thing like a treat God made specially just for them. Live like that. Date like that. “It is not good for man to be alone.” The purpose of dating is to find that helpmate, to find that person that you can go through life with and see that the Lord made it all special and wonderful, just for you. Entrust your relationship to the Blessed Virgin Mary and Christ Jesus, and an abundance of fruit will abound. God has great things in store for you, regardless of what your love life looks like. Trust. I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s anything else you’d like Nicholas and me to write about! More importantly keep us in your prayers. God bless!
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August 2020
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